Chopped Liver – Love In Vein

Monday – and day 1 of my assessments. First up was my EEG. They stick about 20 electrodes to your scalp and you fully expect them to zap you.

Right Mr. Kallin if you hold tight to the arms of the chair I am just going send 12000 volts into your brain. You won’t feel a thing but you may find your body involuntarily twitching….

Ok that didn’t happen – in fact I didn’t feel a thing and 15 minutes later I was off traipsing round the ‘ossy in my dressing gown to my next appointment – bone density – this wad a doddle – just lie there and we’ll run this thing over you and 5minutes later I was off again to my next appointment – the EDTA GFR (kidney test).

Good news from this nurse too as she looks me in the eye with the broadest grin imaginable – we only need to find 2 good veins and we’ll be done.

It was at this point that the theme music from Jaws entered my head. 2 good veins. I do have 1 good vein – although it’s already black and blue from last weeks exploits.

But a second one I don’t have. The look of fear and dread passed from me to the nurse in a micro-second and the big cheesy grin was wiped firmly from her face.

” you don’t have two good veins, do you?” asked Sherlock knowingly.

I didn’t answer as my body above the neck had entered another planet and my arms started twitching – probably a delayed reaction from the first test of the day.

The poor soul ( I genuinely didn’t know who to feel sorry for more – me feeling the trauma and pain or the nurse having to be the cause of it all.

“em… Is there anything I can do to make this a little easier for you?”

“yes” I shouted triumphantantly – “you can put the goddam needle down and let me go”!

But no – she had to stick it in and have a poke, a good old rummage around as I shriek and writhe in the chair waiting for her to say ” no, sorry, can’t get it – I’ll need to try somewhere else”.

” no, sorry” she says finally “can’t get it – I’ll need to try somewhere else”.

“I’ll use a baby needle – you see sometimes when the vein is so deep and so narrow, you see, what happens is….”

Just shut the fuck up! Find a vein. Stick it in. And let’s get outta here!

She let’s me go having done as instructed and I wander back into the crowd of common folk. Still in my dressing gown but with a ghostly pained expression and quivvering arms.

I have to return in two hours for her to stick a cannula in.

That good vein just better still be good.

There’s a nice guy in the ward opposite me – he’s had a liver transplant a couple of years ago and a stent put in but he has a tumour which is inoperable. I tell him HA! You think that’s bad – I’ve just had a needle stuck in my arm!!!

He informs me that there will be hundreds of needles going in there during the course of my treatment – I’d better get used to it.

Tsk tsk – easy for him to say.

Ha ha bleedin’ ha – LMFAO – who just sent the woman from phlebotomy round with a trayful of about 20 vials for more blood – come on own up – I’ll see the funny side, honest.

Right I have now had the lung function test. It was all a lot of hot air to be honest. Echo next.

I said, Ech….

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2 Comments on “Chopped Liver – Love In Vein”

  1. ken Says:

    Glad to see the Bob references. Steve and I have a spread bet on how long you can keep making them work. I’ve gone long on 2015

  2. Alex Keter Says:

    Hi david
    I just wanted to wish you well, I had a liver transplant a little over a year ago, and I must tell there is good life after a transplant thanks to my donor.


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