Chopped Liver – The Not Knowing

Ah – great song title – anyone know where that comes from? I tell you – the first Tindersticks album, that’s where. Anyone any the wiser?

And the relevance to me and my feelings about my upcoming Liver Transplant? It’s a little more than the obvious, actch.

Y’see for years I have had good days and I have had not so good days. Easy to spot them – the not so good days I was a bit quiet, a bit yellow, a bit sullen and the good days I was a loud stroppy git – Simples!

But without having had a diagnosis or anything – just a long history of dodgy-ness – I could just put it down to me feeling a bit dodgy, I knew I got mild colangitis where my bile ducts get blocked with a gallstone for a couple of days – sometimes bringing me out in fever-like symptoms and, as Coldplay said when they met me, I was all Yellow. Or I could have had an intestinal thing going on or a varicies thing – the point I am labouring to make is that I knew things weren’t right but I didn’t know what so I could plough through the bad days expecting to come out the other side feeling positively average again. In fact, The Not Knowing stopped me from stressing out about it too much – it was just me and my dodgy tummy.

But now I know a bit more… a lot more. I know that my liver is in a bad way. I know that the portal vein leading into my liver which provides (should provide) my liver is blocked and I know that there are unreasonable amounts of pressure being put on my lesser veins to carry as much blood and oxygen as possible into my liver. Knowing all this is worse than not knowing all this. Not y’understand that I dont want to know what’s going on – but now I am in the position of knowing enough to make me think that when I have a bad day – is it now a cause for concern, Has the thrombos moved? Are the veins struggling? Has this happened, that happened? So now I think I know as much as the expert consultants who have trained for 7 years on hepatology and practised for a further 10 or 20, say.

The reason I have gone all morose on you is ‘cos yesterday I had a bad day. Not because my Bridge partner screwed up. Though opening with an Acol pre-emptive 3 No Trump missing the Ace of the long minor didn’t help the situation – but hey I am sure if you look closely you might find I made the odd trivial mistake here and there too. This is the funny bit – my bridge partner (Lozza) used to be scared to make a gaffe in case I shouted wild obscenities in her direction – now she is afraid I am going to blog about it and tell the world! HA! She’ll have to counter-blog me. Blog-Wars.

So yesterday was a bad day – and I started thinking all of the above things – not good. The Not Knowing is better. Good tune, too.

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2 Comments on “Chopped Liver – The Not Knowing”

  1. Fiona Frank Says:

    Dearest Super Trouper
    I would say that blogging your worst fears must be cathartic and should then allow you to run around the house feeling happy or acting as if you’re happy, cos you’ve said all this stuff so you’re not pretending it doesn’t exist. In the old days it was diaries or letters – now it’s OUT THERE – just where it should be (I have put a facebook thing up there to encourage people to register their organs…) love, F

  2. Laurel Says:

    Your partner really appreciates being such a part of your daily blog. Won’t open a pre-emptive 3NT again with that hand!! Finally you admit that you too make mistakes – we have come a long way then!
    Sorry if I made your day worse

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