Chopped Liver – Simply The Best

I won’t put it off any longer – the best joke in the world is upon us. Many of you know it – that’s too bad – indulge me. Basically, if you know me, you know the joke – as I use it whenever I meet new people to endear me to them. Y’know, they meet me and they think, “hmmmm .. ordinary enough bloke, not much going for him, bit yellow-looking perhaps”. But then I tell them the joke, and it’s “hey, wow, top bloke, he must be very popular, probably had butter for breakfast”)

So, here it is anyway – I hope you’ve all had your Glesga dialect book out and swallowed its contents – you may need it.

“A Scottish guy went into a (Scottish) bakers… hang on that’s not going to scan well, but I’ll keep it in so you can read the same bit again without the adjective.

“A guy goes into a baker’s and says, “scuse me, is that a Doughnut or a mer….

Actually, while I remember, there is a little subtext that goes with this joke – and it is, indeed, a true story. My bro was on holiday a few years back on the beautiful Island of Arran, and he did go into a Baker’s and there he saw the largest Doughnut he had ever seen. So he says to the Cashier, (it would have been rude not to) “Scuse me sir, Is that a Doughnut or a m…”.

The cashier looked at him blankly.

Now, as coincidence would have it, B and I (pre-Weedy) were on holiday on the Island of Arran just the following year and we happened upon the very same baker’s and we went in for a cuppa – and lo and behold, did we not see for sale just the largest Doughnuts we had ever seen.

So I seized the opportunity and blurted out to the cashier with stunning originality, “Scuse me sir, Is that a Doughnut or a m…” And get this, the cashier stepped back in puzzled amazement – and exclaimed. “You know another bloke came in here aboot a year and sed the very same thing!” He was obviously not aware of the best joke in the world – probably not a very popular bloke – he really should get out more.

Had he been aware, of course, the conversation would have gone a bit like this….

“Scuse me sir, Is that a Doughnut or a meringue?” “Ah, yur right enuff – it is a Doughnut!”

Sublime – Not sure how it works on paper – but with the accent, just sublime.

By the way, when you want to endear yourself to others and you use the doughnut joke method, NEVER EVER explain it – no sir!

There is a secondary version of this joke you’ll be delighted to know that sounds like it should work but quite simply doesn’t – but still gets a laugh when delivered right.

“Guy goes into a butcher’s an’ says ‘scuse me sir, is that yur Ayrshire bacon?” ” No, it’s just ma bum ahm warmin'”.

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5 Comments on “Chopped Liver – Simply The Best”

  1. Steve Says:

    In a similar vein, but on the other side of the world…

    you know that “Boo” in Aborigine means to come back…

    you see, if you throw a normal meringue…

  2. Simon D Says:

    I can’t believe you’ve wheeled out the joke about the meringue, afer all this time…prediction Gooners will win 1-0 at Camp Nou (Tony Adams 90 + 5 mins far post header from set piece)

  3. Sawbofeller Says:

    It’s not even the best Scottish joke…

    There’s a field full of cows, which one has got seven days holiday ?

    The one with the wee calf.


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