Chopped Liver – Bang And Blame

Typical bloke, me!

I look for someone to blame for my own inadequacies. It’s normal practice.

Luckily I have a loving wife who accepts blame and criticism readily – even when it’s not merited.

As this is… not.

We have an elephant coat hook thing in the hallway. It’s not a real elephant. It’s made of wood and metal.

The coat hooks are held up by two screws into the brick external wall. Then the coats are placed on the hooks. (It’s a coat hanger!)

This is the bit where I blame B. I repeat – it’s not merited, just convenient.

We had a load of people round a couple of weeks ago. We took their coats as they arrived and hung them up on the elephant. Too many, though. And it gave way under the weight. I can’t believe B allowed such a thing to happen – what was she thinking??? How could she…. There, I have done the blame thing. Now, it’s up to Mr. Lightyear to jump in and resolve the situation.


So I went along to Homebase to choose some screws and some wall plugs (I’m sure they used to be called “rawlplugs” which sounded like “wall plugs” – so much so that the DIY world gave in and changed their name to what they sounded like). Anyway, …which ones to get? They come in packs of about 50!!! Great – I wanted one!

And which rawl wallplugs to get? Then, YES!!! Eureka! I became yur average DIY expert – there was a pack of 50 MATCHING!!! screws and plugs! I purchase and depart.

A few days later – no point in rushing these things – may as well wait till I get another nudge from the missus – and I start sticking the plug in the hole. Hmmm… plug too big – sticking half out. Screw would never fit. Hole seems massive.

Wrong plugs/screws combo, methinks. Back to Homebase. Now what??? Ah… there’s a big bag of 150 multi coloured multi sized wall plugs – HA! one of them is bound to fit – YES!

I buy them.

I get home, stick on the drill. Hmmm… It’s struggling to go into the brick. Still, I have all these plugs – one of them is bound to fit whatever hole I make. I keep drilling. I keep sticking in plugs. Nothing fits. It’s time for my customary scream of – OHHHHH FFFFUUUUUUUCCC….wait – what’s that noise? Oh no. Front door opening. It’s Weedy!!!! Hi Dad – Yeehaaa – play with me dad – I’m hyper. Play with me. Then B says – listen, any chance you could make the dinner and get him ready for bed – I’ve got a cold. I give up on the holes I am drilling and work out that if I moved along an inch or so – and drill new holes then I will have a better chance of success – hmmm… good plan…

Those combinations of activities are not exactly what I need right now. There I am holding around 200 useless multicoloured wallplugs (what’s that Dad??? EEeeaeaaeaaahaahhahhhhHHHHHHHHHHHhhHhH!!!!!!!!!!!), about 50 useless screws, 4 holes in the wall and an electric drill that makes me look as if I vaguely know what I’m doing – unless I am married to me, in which case it is accepted knowledge that I haven’t got a clue.

So, does this story have a happy ending? Well, I made a pretty good dinner. B put Weedy to bed. And the hallway looks like a bombsite. I call it Work in Progress. B has just called out to me to inform me that the hall needs clearing up – thanks for that, B.

It’s probably safe to say, that this job will not be completed tonight

Breathe In... Hold... and ... OUT

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One Comment on “Chopped Liver – Bang And Blame”

  1. B Says:

    Can you please clear the hallway…………

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