Chopped Liver – Accidents Will Happen

Ok, so what happened on Saturday night.

We were at a family function in the afternoon – involving a lot of coochie coo stuff with a new baby – nice Jewish boy called Itzsick Shitzenpoos. There’s something about new babies – lovely little things – no, really.

On the way home, we (Weedy and I) drop B off to go out with a friend (‘nother Jenny… so she says) to the flicks. Y’know, B couldn’t do anymore to suggest she is having an affair – she has supposedly been to every film that’s ever released – but she never talks about them.

So Weedy and I get home – and there’s an ambulance outside the door. What? They waitin’ for me? So I ask them what’s going on – but no they won’t tell me – classified y’see. Ah, tell-tale signs – next door neighbour’s door open – so I pop my head in – “Everything alright?”. Under the circumstances, what with ambulance outside, a pretty dumb question. “Oh, it’s our daughter (aged 2) – she’s got a very high temperature and may be coming out in a rash”. Ah, that’ll be it then. “Hey, give us a call if you need me” I say, as I am about to put my wee boy to bed.

“What’s wrong wee boy?”

“It hurts when I walk, Daddy”.

“Listen get yourself ready for bed – it’s very late”.

“Okay, Daddy. But it hurts Daddy. When I walk Daddy. See? Look!”

And I look at my wee boy walking around on tippytoes.

“Ok, Ok, let me have a look”. And so i go to take his sock off. “AAaaaaaggggghhhhh!!!!!! It hurts Daddy”

Hmmm… let me see. And what I saw was this massive (1 cm long – AT LEAST!) splinter (skelf in Glaswegian).

hmm.. scalpel? Scissors? Stone? Paper?

Ok, no problem. Daddy’s going to get it out for you. And so to my tiny unsterilised Swiss Army knife – for THE TWEEZERS!!!!! Da! Da! Da!….. Cue shrieks of agony from boy. Cue despair from Daddy as I realise that the skelf is way too deep to budge.

Brainwave time – Looks out the window – ambulance must still be there – NO! Drat, Dagnabbit! It’s gone.

I phone up the hospital. They say to bring him into A&E (accident & Emergency for you non-Brits out there). So, we get back in the car. And drive to the one place I am dreading driving to – the hospital that one day soon I will be called to for my liver transplant.

And the wee boy tippytoes to A&E – and we get seen straight away – taken to a bed in a curtained room. And the nurse has a look – and returns with a wide array of instruments – not one of which resembles a Swiss Army knife. Local anaesthetic is applied and for a good (good?) half hour the nurse scrapes away at the heel until it is impossible to tell the difference between congealed blood and pieces of wood. And then….

Hi David. Well, look who it is. It’s only our next door neighbour – in the next cubicle!!! So we turn A&E into party time. We all finish at the same time. I am able to give my neighbours a lift home (in the car I bought off them!) and all are making good recoveries – to be honest, I don’t think they wanted to leave A&E!

Oh, and B? She enjoyed the film.

I think – but she didn’t really talk about too much.

Now there… are 3…. steps to … carry a donor card – ooh, wah wah!
Just follow steps 1, 2 and 3.

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2 Comments on “Chopped Liver – Accidents Will Happen”

  1. aviva Says:

    I didnt want to mention it before David but no one
    ‘supposedly’ goes to the cinema that much and ‘supposedly’ watches such an array of utter crap. Glad the splinter incident ended well, the one with Ad didnt. Got pictures 🙂


  2. […] since around the time that Weedy had to be taken to A&E for his skelf (see Post entitled Accidents Will Happen), she suffered a UTS error on her mobile rendering it partially useless. She could be heard but not […]


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