Chopped Liver – Gypsies, Pants and Shoes

A strange day today.

Spent much of it in hospital.

Not, I hasten to add – on my account – no not this time, but visiting a poorly friend with an exploding intestine. Believe when someone shouts DUCK around him – we don’t think twice. Duck First Ask Later – that’s my motto.

I also had lunch with another friend. Yes, hold the front pages, I do have more than one friend. Ho bleedin’ Ho.

Anyway, the point of this story (well, one of…) was that the lunchtime friend announced that he urgently needed to buy a pair of shoes. No, it was not an illicit meeting with a trendy fashionable young female with sexy long legs eager to add a touch of class and style to her shapely form.

It was a bloke.

A bloke who would need a darn sight more than a pair of shoes to set off a shapely form, let me tell you.

And then bloke says to me – the trouble is – I have forgotten my credit cards – can you buy them for me?

Look, I repeat – it was a bloke!!! Honestly.

So, I says to him – ok, no problem – and then, jokingly, I retort – are you sure you don’t want me to buy you a pair of pants too?

(For any Americans reading this – for Pants read eh, underwear… y’know, boxers)

So I buy the shoes and head off to the hospital to visit my friend with the exploding bowels – and I am there with him for a good couple of hours or so. And then he says to me – y’know I got kinda rushed in here a couple of days ago – em… I don’t really have anything …y’know, like, well if you’re passing this way again tomorrow – be good of you to pop into M&S and buy me a pair of pants!

Now, as Harry Hill would say, what are the chances of that happening?

And just a word about me. As each minute of my visit in the hospital passed, I found myself getting weaker and weaker, and feeling pretty poorly by the end of it. My friend was sitting up and joking away and I was ready to crawl into the first bed… empty bed… I could find. I even said to to him at one point – you don’t mind if we swap? I mean what use am I? Other than the provider of underwear and basic footwear to the needy, I am not supposed to be more sickly than the sick I should to be chearing up!

I gingerly left the hospital, made my way home – to find that B’s friend and three young children and their nanny were there being fed and being bathed in my house as they had builders at their house and needed our help.

So, there you go, it’s official – the Kallins are your basic provisions provider – whatever your needs – pants, shoes, food, water, all you gotta do is ask.

Now there… are 3…. steps to… carry a donor card – ooh, wap wap!
Just follow steps 1, 2 and 3.

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