Chopped Liver – Discharge (Reprise)

Oh No, not more discharge. What this time?

Well last night I was nil by mouth… till they allowed me a cup of tea (without milk). They promised me another later if I managed it ok.

eh, duh! Me not manage a cup of tea? With or without milk. Got da wrong guy mista!

But the promised second cup never came.

Cruel.

Breakfast time. I am no longer nil by mouth. So I asked for some weetabix (with lotsa milk – just as a defiance of course). Wow, that was great. I, eh… managed it – and the cup of tea that came with it).

Meds time. I am given my meds. But I remark prior to sticking them down my throat that the blood people have not been round yet and they should do their thing before the meds are taken.

Oh, then dont take them yet and I’ll see what’s happening.

About an hour later a doctor came to take my bloods. I said to her “you may find me a bit tricky”.

Nah, she said. Don’t worry. I’m a doctor.

She looked around my arms for the right spot to stab me. This’ll do, she says. “Sharp scratch coming”. Then SSSHHRRRIIIEEEEKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and more… and more… and more… “Sorry about this”, she says. AND MORE… AND MORE… AND MORE….

“hmmm, nope, can’t get it. Let me try somewhere else.” So she moves an inch over to the right. And says..

“Sharp scratch coming”. Then SSSHHRRRIIIEEEEKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and more… and more… and more… “Sorry about this”, she says. AND MORE… AND MORE… AND MORE….

“Nope, sorry, I’ll need to get one of my colleagues to try”

Great.

The other patients in the word are smiling with schadenfreude. I tell them any more of that I’ll have to start charging them.

Next doc comes in. Big Burly Bloke. I said to him, “nah, you don’t scare me with your size, matey – but you do with that tiny little needle you’re carrying.”

“OK, this looks like a good place”.

“Sharp scratch coming”. Then SSSHHRRRIIIEEEEKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and more… and more… and more… “Sorry about this”, he says. AND MORE… AND MORE… AND MORE….

hmm, nope, that’s no good. Let’s see the back of your hand here… little scratch coming.. ahhh, shrrrriiiieeekkkk …

Right at this moment, goold ole Smiler walks in. My consultant for the past 10 years. And he calls over to the doc who’s attacking me and says, “That’s the stuff, mate, go for it”.

Cruel.

Even crueller, he says, after giving up on the 4th time, ok, I shouldn’t really (editor interrupt: actually David you propbably shouldn’t really write that). Ok, suffice to say, he managed to extract the blood through a non-painful means, so I pretty much went through all that (and countless before) without really needing to.

Now, do you understand why I don’t like needles???

I am still on the fluid drip, but when that runs out mid-morning they decide I no longer need it. More progress.

Lunch.

I order lunch. It was unpleasant… but wholly devoured. And with a cup of tea, natch.

I feel fine now. No more bile bag. No more drip attached to me. No more needles (for the day). I am practically prancing round the ward. I want to go home! I want to go home.

Mid afternoon. Doctors’ Rounds.

How you feeling David.

Fine. I want to go home. Don’t want any more needles. Wanna go home. Be with my wife and my wee boy.

OK, your blood results look good. You’ve managed your food. I’m happy with that. You can go.

And with that I jumped out of bed. Got dressed. Called wife.

And home by evening.

Discharged.

That good enough for you, goremongers?

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2 Comments on “Chopped Liver – Discharge (Reprise)”

  1. Mark W Says:

    Great news:)shame about the perforations! You have got me worried now as I am back to clinic on Monday for some blood tests…..
    But joking aside I am glad that you have escaped the confines of hospital to get home in time for #eurovision results 🙂

  2. davidkallin Says:

    Thanks Mark – Just caught the FA Cup “high”lights. Preferred being perforated than having to sit through that tedium in real time. Good Luck for Monday.


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