I had my hair cut today.
I went to a barber’s on the High Street I hadn’t been to before – seemed nice and clean. Perhaps the lack of customers on a Friday afternoon should have told me something, but I gave it a try.
And I was very impressed. Most men’s barbers simply ask you what number you want and subsequently produce a massive electric razor, switch it to “hatchet” mode, and attack your scalp believing they are going to be judged by how fast they can get the job done and get you out of there without the need of polite conversation.
They are right.
But this guy wanted to talk.
“You been around here long?”
“Eh, yeah – ’bout 15 years”.
And so endeth that arduous conversation.
But he used scissors! Yes. Indeed. The barber used scissors.
I found a barber wot used scissors!
No massive Number 2 razor for him. And so I sat back in the knowledge that this was going to be one long haircut. He used scissors, cutters, clippers, trimmers, strimmers, rimmers, brimmers, blammers, whammers and duckers – the last two I made up – he didn’t use whams and ducks – but, believe me, you’ll find out more about those in tomorrow’s post – oh yes!
And then, his piece de resistance, he picks up this disgusting-looking metal rod with a pink ball of cotton wool like thing on one end. He dips it into a bottle of methylated spirits, produces a cigarette lighter, sets fire to the cotton ball – and ask me if I have had ever had one of these before?
"Your usual, sir? Number Two?"
Before I was able to contemplate this real life Silence of the Lambs (wow, do I have a story about that film??) moment and provide him with an answer – he was waving the fireball at my ear – at my ear, I tell you. He was burning my bleedin’ ear-hairs off!!!! The smell was… was… a burning smell. The heat intense. Then he did the other ear!! Two ears! I thought, “when is he going to start on the eyebrows and nostrils?”
Then he asked for money! He wanted paid for this torture.
I shoulda asked him if he removed livers.
Now there… are 3…. steps to… carry a donor card – ooh, wap wap!
Just follow steps