Archive for the ‘iphone’ category

Chopped Liver – Itchy-coo Park

January 20, 2011

Here’s a novelty.

A health report on my liver transplant blog.

I itch.


That concludes the health report.

It is a known side-effect of liver conditions. But it’s bloody annoying.

Arms, legs, back and stomache are the worst areas, since you ask,

Y’know I have always been mightily impressed, even with all my frailties, at the complexities of the end product that is the human body. Whatever your physical, metaphysical, spiritual or otherwise belief as to how we came to be – the human being is a pretty impressive piece of work.

Even more amazing than the iPhone.

But, if I may be so bold – and I appreciate it is far easier to criticise minor imperfections than it is to create ingenious masterpieces – but I am going to have my say.

Why oh why have an area of the body that you simply cannot reach. Now, I am not supple. Some peeps perhaps can reach all parts of their back. But I can’t.

And so, I ask, why, if I cannot reach parts of my back – should it be one of the areas that itches?

see what your missing? woof woof

Ah, I hear you cry – that’s why they invented back-scratchers. Well, no honey, I cannot carry around a back-scratcher everywhere I go.

Ah, I hear you cry – that’s why people get married – get your wife to do it. Eh, well, no honey, I cannot carry my wife around everywhere I go.

Anyway, I am sure she has a headache for that kind of thing.

Now there… are 3…. steps to… carry a donor card – ooh, wap wap!
Just follow steps

Chopped Liver – Hi Ho Silver Monday

January 17, 2011

Every cloud has a silver lining.

Who cares? I'll drink it either way.

Every silver lining has a dark cloud.

Today is Blue Monday – the unhappiest day of the year.

Today is Monday – start of another great week.

Half Empty.

Half Full.

Bad News

Good News.

It was heart-breaking to hear the story of the little girl who was born into tragedy – on the day the Twin Towers came crashing down. And died in tragedy – shot by a “crazed madman” in Arizona. All she left us with was an innocent, youthful smiling face.

And what did her parents do? They rejoiced in being able to donate her vital organs to needy recipients. To date she has saved the lives of two others. And what did her father say? He said he would love to meet the recipients of his daughter’s organs and give them a big hug.

And what about the world’s most famous liver transplantee? Steve Jobs. Mr Apple. I have used his example as a standard-bearer for liver recipients everywhere – and my own impending transplant. So imagine my feelings today when it is announced that he is taking some serious time out of the business to concentrate on his health – obviously some setback encountered there – as the share price fell dramatically with the news. If you are CEO of one of the largest companies in the world you don’t make announcements like that just for the hell of it.

But I shouldn’t feel so bad. The guy had/has cancer. Every situation is different. Nothing to do with me.

Blue Monday? Well, when you work from home, see your family every day, and await a call to receive a new liver every day, you don’t worry about the colour of your Monday. I’ve enjoyed my Monday and tomorrow is my Ruby Tuesday.

Tomorrow, however, I may discuss one of my pet bugbears – that concerning the combo responsible for the classic disco hit, Blue Monday.

Now there… are 3…. steps to… carry a donor card – ooh, wap wap!
Just follow steps

Chopped Liver – Top Of The Pops II

January 13, 2011

Well, I’ve had my appointment today. Things are more clearcut now.

Certain decisions that had to be made – HAVE BEEN MADE. Rightly or wrongly we can close this chapter and move on.

I have to confess I found it a bit surprising, but there you go, but there you go, I made my case – and I rest my case.

Smiler has finally upgraded his phone.

To a Motorola.

Regular readers of this tome may recall that the decision appeared to be between the iPhone and the Blackberry. Based on my knowledge of the user, I recommended the Blackberry – good for emails, good keyboard and generally all round good performer – if lacking the sexiness of the iPhone.

Alternatively he could’ve gone for the Android htc Desire. Reports I’ve heard rate it even higher than the iPhone although it is initially complex to set up.

But a Motorola? Eh, Hello Moto? Are you listening? Earth here. And this is the guy who’s hands I am putting my vital organs in. Is he of sound mind? To be honest, I know nothing of the Motorola so I can’t make the judgement call. He is happy with it – and if he is happy, then I am happy.

On another issue, I had a long chat with Kate, the liver transplant co-ordinator. She is very good, y’know. I bet she doesn’t own a Motorola.

The bottom line is – I am Top of the List. However there have not been any any suitable livers available – I suppose that is a good thing for the owners of potential livers – it kinda means they still need theirs – so let’s drink to that. (Fruit Juice for me, please)

But as my condition is so complex – for that read, I am so fucked up, that they will only transplant a perfect liver into me. Whereas they make take a chance with a fatty liver for someone with a single known condition – with me and my spleen, intestine, portal vein thrombosis, oesophagus, gallbladder, blood etc, they have to wait for a perfect liver.

Now then Guys n Gals - guess who's Top of the List?

Which is ok.

Unless the thrombosis worsens and blocks the portal vein altogether – that wouldn’t be too good – so they need to keep monitoring that.

As you know, I have stayed within two hours of the hospital pretty much every day since last March – apart from attending my father’s funeral – but I have sometimes wondered if I was being a little bit over-excessive in that regard – but today’s chat with Kate proved to me that this was not the case, and should not be the case – it is of paramount importance that I continue to stay close to the hospital – I simply cannot afford to miss the next available perfect match – the one after that could just be many more months later.

And do I feel any different after the appointment, and subsequent chat?

‘Course I do.

Now there… are 3…. steps to… carry a donor card – ooh, wap wap!
Just follow steps

Chopped Liver – Watch Your Step

December 23, 2010

Weedy and B are struggling a bit with the weather. The temperature their thermometer is showing is close to ours – except that they are on the Centigrade scale while we are on Fahrenheit – and they are finding it a bit too hot.

Hey, it's quicker if I just slide down here

I ventured out to the local shops this afternoon. Wow – biting cold. The snow/ice is treacherous now. I have my iPod (iPhone, really) on and listening to my fave tunes on shuffle. Watch Your Step by Elvis Costello came on. I slipped on the ice.

A humorous moment – between me and myself. (*)

I later went out to Sainsbury’s to do a pre-Xmas shop – not that I needed much but I knew shops would be closed for a few days soon so best stock up. Some would say it was folly to go anywhere near a supermarket so close to Xmas – but, bizarrely, it was not busy at all. I went in, did a bit of shopping, and did not need to queue at all at the till. Shimples.

(*) and my iPhone

Now there… are 3…. steps to… carry a donor card – ooh, wap wap!
Just follow steps 1, 2 and 3.

Chopped Liver – Learning To Fly

November 27, 2010

B found out from t’internet that the RAF Museum in Hendon was celebrating St. Andrews Day with lots of activities for children – including something about The Flying Scotsman. Apart from its name, quite what a train has to do with the RAF I am not entirely sure – but if you think I was going to pass up on an opportunity to take Weedy 5 mins down the road for an exhibition about trains and planes – you don’t know my Weedy!

So off we went. I asked at reception where the St. Andrews Day activities were taking place. Reception didn’t know there were any. She phoned someone up. They hadn’t heard of anything either and suggested I had the wrong place.

Then the phone rang – and it was the information that, yes indeed, there are some activities to be found in the children’s area.

I guess that much I could have probably worked out myself.

So we made for the children’s area and looked around for a life-size replica of The Flying Scotsman – or maybe even the real thing – or at least some people dressed up as… ah, here’s a (wo)manned information desk.

Excuse me… yada yada… Flying doobree wotsit… yada yada… where?

Oh, it’s on that table. She said this as she pointed to a little table about 3 feet away.

On said table, were some blank sheets of A4 paper. You can make your paper aeroplane with those – but please don’t fly them in the main hall.

So, that was it – we went all that way (5 mins drive… but that’s not the point!) for a piece of blank paper!

We made our aeroplanes. I made one too – well, had to get my money’s worth! And flew them, carefully avoiding the main hall – for fear of damaging any of the fighter jets that had withstood the might of the Luftwaffe 70 years ago!

After about, oh, 16 seconds, we decided to have a look around the museum – at one point we went up some stairs to view inside a cockpit.

Oh look there’s a British Airways thingy – shouts Weedy, as he races down the same flight of stairs. However, in his haste and excitement, he lost his footing half way down and went… flying.

Hey, Bart, enough already!

Crash Bang Wallop. Thankfully not Snap Crackle and Pop!

He was very shocked at the bottom and did what any 6 year old would do. I genuinely think he would have hurt himself a lot more and probably caused a lot more damage were it not for the fact that he is very floppy-limbed – a bit rubbery. He seemed to just bounce down the stairs.

I had to get out my iPhone – let him play with it for a few minutes – till he forgot about it and was able to walk around again.

I hear it also makes phone calls, y’know.

Now there… are 3…. steps to… carry a donor card – ooh, wap wap!
Just follow steps 1, 2 and 3.

Chopped Liver – Pack My Kit Up

November 18, 2010

No no… not yet – I’m just being flippant – and wondering how I get something vaguely relevant out of that Prodigy song tune track.

But y’know, as my big day approacheth, people are saying to me that I should have my bag packed already – like as if when the call comes I’ll be in a mad panic, rushing hither and tither and no time to start thinking about bag-packing.

But let me ask you this. What does one pack for a liver transplant?

Shades? Swimwear? High-factor sun block? A good book? Warm weather clothing? Cold weather clothing? iPhone (natch!).

Ok, who's next? Got another liver ready to go...

In short, if all goes to plan, I am going to be taken straight into a waiting area, prior to theatre followed by a number of days in Intensive Care before I make my way slowly and steadily back to the normality of a ward.

So, for those first few days, what really do I need? What is there to pack that’s so urgent?

I dunno.

Now there… are 3…. steps to… carry a donor card – ooh, wap wap!
Just follow steps 1, 2 and 3.

Chopped Liver – Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes

October 6, 2010

So here’s how I spend a fun day.

Wakey wakey… time for brekky… take Weedy to school, back in time to head off to my Gastro appointment at the ‘ossy.

I meet a … I dunno, consultant? Maybe. She may have said what she was – she may not, can’t remember. Anyway nice woman, but she didn’t know me. My notes look more like the size of the manuscript of the Encyclopaedia Brittanica – in triplicate. So she ain’t gonna find out too much about me in a 2-minute skim through.

So I tell her about me. After about 10 minutes I tell her I am waiting on a liver transplant – this is news to her – to be honest I don’t really know the point of this – unless I tell her I am feeling lousy and I’d love a colonoscopy please – or two if they’re on special offer.

Anyway, I’m a busy man. Got people to see. Appointments to keep. So Goodbye nice woman – see you again sometime.

Next stop – BLOOD! Hmmm…. gimme dat needle boy – yeh, stick it right in there – that’s it – excellent, ram it in. There – six gallons of blood given.

Now, I just happened to have with me the form my GP gave me to have an X-Ray on my continually painful hand as a result of my numerous accidents and misdemeanors of the previous couple of weeks.

you see, Smiler, you can do this...

So, have I got time to wait in the queue for an X-Ray prior to appointment number 4 at the toothman? I went down to the department – and hey! there was nobody waiting.

Sat down for 1 minute, went into the X-Ray room, stuck out my hand, made a smiley face with it for the camera – SNAP – went the camera (not my hand) – got the result – no obvious fracture – goodbye.

Why can’t i ever have anything straightforward? Is the hand broken or is it not? GP’s, friends, consultants – none of them can say what’s wrong with it? Except me, of course, I know it’s sore.

And so, as the time approacheth two-thirty – yeh, yeh, tooth-hurtee an’ all that, I am off to the dentist. Older readers (as in readers from old) will know that he is the dentist who saved my life and indirectly got me on the liver transplant list – true, I kid you not, so when I handed him over £75 for the privilege of him saying to me that my teeth are fine, I felt grateful – not worthy, even.

Now, it’s time to do some evening work, prior to … well, prior to my appointment with Smiler in the morning. Should I ask him what’s going on? Should I remind him it’s over the 6 month estimate I was told to expect? Should I just leave it to fate? Or should I do what I normally do?

And that is to talk about the merits of the iPhone or the Blackberry!

Now there… are 3…. steps to… carry a donor card – ooh, wap wap!
Just follow steps 1, 2 and 3.